First of all I’m sorry for being so inactive the last couple of weeks, but a lot has been going on. You know that feeling when something bad happens and you just need time for yourself first, yea, I’m sure you do. However, it was always easier for me to write my thoughts and feelings down, rather than talking about them, usually I do this on a piece of paper, but then I thought why not sharing it here. I was thinking a lot about if I should post this on my blog or not, since it’s usually always just about my outfits, fashion and beauty… but why keep it on the surface? Nowadays it’s all about showing everyone how perfect your life is, but nothing is as perfect as it seems like on all these flawless Instagram pictures. Why hide what’s going on inside of you? All that little imperfections aren’t the end of the world, in fact, they are what make all of us human.
Yesterday I was sitting in the bus. You can say a lot about a person from the way they ride a bus. The way they look out of the window without really seeing anything at all. On my way home from work yesterday, I sat staring out of the window, listening to a whole SIA album (god how much I love her work) on repeat, and then I would close my eyes and go to that place in my mind where I can see my dad one more time. I know all great people leave first, but it still hurts, of course.
It was the morning when the birds were singing outside on my balcony, everything seemed so peaceful, the sun was shining right into my face and I was there lying in my bed, wide awake trying to fill the void. My mom came into my room, and without even saying anything, I already knew what happened. That was the moment my heart was split in two: one side full of memories and the other side died with him. Remembering him is easy, but missing him is a heartache that never goes away, but that’s okay. There is this quote from one of my favourite books where it says, „That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.“.
Sometimes I would feel bad, because it seems like I’m being selfish enjoying the things in life that are happening right now or will happen in the future, like graduating college, moving in my first own flat etc. Because he can’t enjoy experiencing these moments in your life, you feel like you can’t do it either. But I came to the realization that I have the right to grow, to change, to explore and to experience. The only direction you can go is straight ahead.
I believe in the saying that there’s always something good in the bad. Many people are asking me how I’m doing this, where do I take the strength from, how do I keep going, although he passed away. The answer is simple. The things I love is what keeps me going. Pour your soul into the things you love. Let your heartbreak bleed into your art. Let your pain make you love harder. Let grief teach you what love really means.
Camus once said „Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken“, but I was wondering if there’s no heartbreak, then there’s no hurting, and if there’s no hurting, there’s no learning and if there’s no learning then there’s no fighting. But fighting is a part of life. It’s part of the process. He’s so far away now but still so close, cause I’ll keep him in my heart and there he will remain forever.
Hope I’m not being too sensitive today – anyways here’s a new outfit me and my cousin shooted for you – hope you like it!
Have a great start to your week and stay strong! :)
Shoes Golden Goose